54 degrees and rain

i spent all morning pacing my apartment, looking at my body naked, cursing myself, trying to play guitar but getting distracted by how thin and weak my veins look, pulling my sleeves over my hands, checking my naked body again, covering it up, looking out the window. this time of year starts to hollow you out. i've been pulling at my hair, picking at my skin. things are changing, you notice it especially when someone does it first. the first leaf to turn. and then suddenly very quickly all the green trees strip down to their red undergarments, before throwing them to the ground, forced to look at their nudity. and they haunt you, everyday, you look at the naked bodies. months on end. and it's not sexy. it's just cold. 

my breasts remind me of pig teats. i have been sitting in the shower. i look at old pictures of myself and feel confused. i don't recognize my face in the mirror. there is something beyond my body running laps around me. she slams through my skin and i find myself crying. no matter where i am, in class, walking across campus, sitting in the sun. when my soul crashes through my body, when they eclipse, i cry.

i can't tell what is distraction and what isn't anymore. i don't know what could satisfy me. i have taste tested the entire planet and i stand in my kitchen looking in the fridge so hungry but with no appetite.

i can't help but think about when i ate with her, in the hot summer. everything wet, fat, glistening. everything in me always comes back to that thought. the body eclipses, i cry, i think about how much i hate the feeling, throw it, and like a dog it runs back to me. back and forth. eclipsing, wandering, pushing, pulling. 

so much of it is ancestral. my body hollows, my skin dulls, my insides leak out me and leave behind seeds. everything in my body is telling me to strip down, so i do, and then its so cold. maybe its like a fever. maybe i'm trying to sweat something out of me. throwing the hot blanket on and off. restless. tired.

and these changes endure. i almost find myself being mad at them but i can't when they're so predictable. everything is doing what it's intended to do. 

i find myself getting tense at the sound of laughter. what an awful thing to feel.

i don't want the inherent temporariness of it all to make me distrustful. i wish i was stronger, i wish i could endure the throws of life without being so exhausted by it. where do i embrace exhaustion? exhaustion is cold, and i see it coming towards me, i'm freaking out in my underwear knowing i'm going to have to get naked. that the trees will thin. that everything grays, gets dull.

i guess that's it. that it is everything. i have to remember that i have to get naked but it's not going to be alone.