zzz

ORIGINALLY POSTED January 05, 2023

if god was real and has been hearing my prayers you should have had this dream where you're still utterly in love with me, and are walking outside when you look up and see me, glowing and beautiful and floating down slowly to meet you, moving like a giant old fish. i hover above you, my face a few inches from yours, and i have long brown hair thats gently fluttering around my body. i say to you, "thank you. i'm leaving now." and you start crying and shout, "why! i miss you!" and i smile so sweetly and say, "there are hundreds of grace dorothies in this world." and at this point i'm magically dissipating into hundreds of fat bubbles, some going back into the ocean sky and others bouncing and rolling past your feet. maybe wind chimes or something elegant is playing as i leave.

however, i am a firm believer that a door never truly closes. i've seen people beat open a locked one if they really want whats inside.

today when my dad got home from work he came into my room and stepped on top of my laundry and made a really loud sound from bumping into my dresser and gave me a space heater because a couple days ago i said i was cold. i was in bed in my pajamas even though it was 3pm and i felt naked. i said thank you and when he plugged it in i asked if he could unplug it. still from my bed, i told him to close the door when he left. 

after this i felt bad but he came when i was in a strange mood so i went downstairs to make lunch and he started moving around all my ingredients and asking me if i applied for my student loans so i barked at him "i am very stressed out right now!" and then almost chopped my hand from clumsily cutting an onion. he took it from me and finished dicing it and he said "i haven't seen you all day and i missed you while i was at work" and then i felt guilty but i was still stressed out so i continued barking "don't take it personally! i'm just telling you i'm stressed out!" and he said that he knew i was having a hard couple of weeks. every couple days he has found me crying in bed or alone crying in the kitchen. he always asks what's wrong and i can only shake my head.

i've gotten a lot better than i used to be. with my first boyfriend when i cried i would get in a small dark ball and tremble for a half hour until i would get up, laugh at the wet marks in the blanket, and act like nothing happened. one of the hall monitors made a habit of checking on me in middle school because i would come out of the bathroom every morning red faced. within this past year i started snotting everywhere when i cried so i usually laugh even harder when i cry with someone because we both realize we are soaked and covered in snot. 

i have the space heater in a box next to my electric blanket. my dad got me the electric blanket because when i had surgery in junior year of high school they wrapped me in warm blankets as i woke up from anesthesia and i kept mumbling about how good i felt. it's easier to buy your daughter an electric blanket that hospital level narcotics. i use it every once in a while, only on really cold nights. a couple nights ago i went to bed early and my dad came in to say goodnight to me but i was already under the covers with the lights out, so he came up and tucked me in. after he did that, i stayed put and didn't risk moving around the rest of the night.