you shouldn't read this one

ORIGINALLY POSTED December 19, 2022

this is the only time i'm talking about this.

today i let myself make fun of you.

this morning i woke up at 6:30 and the sun didn't rise, it just got bright all of a sudden. i drove along the water and thought about all the places i wish i got to take you, like the tree i used to sit in when i was 13 and my brother had little league games. when i got home i got myself to do yoga and cook an omelette and thought about when i taught you how to brown butter. when i went up to my room the sun was fluttering in through my blinds the way i always like and only get to see when it's 8:00 am. yesterday i bought some discounted face serum with my mom and used it last night so this morning i prodded at my face in the mirror to see if it did anything. i finally got around to watching that movie i was telling you about. i thought about that time i drank hot lemon water every morning for a week just to tell you about it and impress you and be honest about it. i think we will have a nice conversation some time when we're both drunk about all of this. some of my favorite conversations with you were when we were drunk off our asses and couldn't even think about being afraid. in a couple months i might say, "i was so sad i drove around town with all the windows down in a blizzard and got snow all over my interior!" and you'd laugh and take a swig of something and offer it to me but i won't drink it because you like beer and i like sweet things. and hopefully you'd say something like, "i was so sad i rode my bike at 4:00 am and smoked a cigarette but i had to pull over because it got so hard to breathe!" because you did that once and i always thought it was charming. i think it's funny how teenage this all is. it's like when you're watching a cheap movie but just ignore the silly parts because it's fun to just ignore the too silly parts. i'm so good at being nineteen. i think i'm the best nineteen year old this world has seen. i've spent a lot of time thinking about how you might be feeling. but i remember all of this is because you don't want me to think about how you might be feeling so i stop and then do something like watch TV or talk to my dad. i really worried for a second all of this was because i wasn't smart enough or mature enough or was lacking some otherworldly (twenty years old) sight you've seen that i just haven't been graced (nineteen years old) by. but when i think about all the things i could be lacking, i realize i'm not really lacking them if i know what they are. because a dog's sight lacks the color red but a dog doesn't even know they lack the color red. there's probably a lot of reds that i don't see. but i spend a lot of time listening to my grandpa and trying to understand things and i think i'm doing an honest effort. and my grandpa likes me and thinks i'm doing an honest effort too. also, i hope you don't mind that i'm still going to sleep with all the plush bears you got me. i keep every plush an ex has gotten me and sleep with them all still. it's good falling asleep in little piles of love. these perpetual love baby things that will never grow old and are fit forever to be pets. also, i'm sorry about that one argument we had where now i know you were right.

when i watched my mom pull out of the drive way this morning, and i knew no one could hear me, i turned the shitty amplifier my dad bought me all the way up and i danced around my room with my guitar you gave me and i made faces in the mirror like the ones you make on stage and let myself laugh at them.

i like that one line i just wrote. i'm the matriarch of all perpetual love baby things that will never grow old and are fit forever to be pets.

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