sugar

ORIGINALLY POSTED January 27, 2023

today i caught sight of myself when i was walking down a long hallway towards a glass door; my clothes were long and hanging off me and my hair like a round pinhead. i thought i looked like a cattle dog and it made me feel beautiful.

earlier at noontime i laid on top of my bed and read for an hour, i heard the gentle clatter and babbling of my roommate doing dishes. the room smelled like a soft kitchen i couldn't exact place from where. it made me really happy. i didn't bother to ask myself why, but i just let it linger. and even earlier it was sunny out and i wore my new jacket and i heard a siren that kind of sang and warbled like wind chimes or birdsong. i decided to like that too.

i gave my roommate a long hug and started to tell her i was sad because the waist on my new tartan skirt is too tight and that i couldn't focus in the history lecture today or that i've been nervous about talking to girls in my class and that i should care more about the school newspaper but she sat down and started organizing tea bags so i sat with her and felt the silky paper of them between my fingers and felt better.

i really like february, that's when the sun starts shining oranger and the bugs start migrating back to the sidewalks and sleeves get a little shorter and my birthday comes up and everything starts glowing. the winter can glow too but it's just easier when it's february. in february i can lie down and watch ants crawl on the tennis courts. i really do talk to my friends who have careers and degrees and big plans and listen but i really only care about things like when it's february and the ants come back to the tennis courts. and i spent a long time asking myself why i couldn't be like my friends but it always comes back to wanting to just wanting to sit down in the sun at the tennis courts and let the ants crawl up and down my hands. 

i also think if i met another cattle dog girl she'd make me feel better about it. 

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