lovesick lonely hedgehog who might be a baby idk

ORIGINALLY POSTED March 22, 2023

when i am alone in my car i am the smartest girl to have ever lived.

thank you for taking me out today. thank you for laughing at my jokes. thank you. 

i have been holding my dad extra tight recently. i say "i love you" more. i get angrier quicker. when i'm happy it's explosive. i was watching shark tank with my brother and started crying. it was dark so he didn't see. i feel like i have nothing more to say. i wish people would want to take me around like a warm sweater. i don't need to do anything else but be touching you. it meant a lot when my friend high fived me. it meant a lot when he laughed at my bad jokes. he told me a couple secrets. it is like sweat seeping into the fibers. i am as what i am meant to be.

i miss you a lot. when i curl up on top of my bed in my work clothes i think about you in the crook of my legs. when i called you pretty i meant it. i will see you soon. i don't want to talk, i just want your hair in my hands, weaving.

whenever i come home my ex-boyfriend gets brought up. i wish i could tell him i'm gay. maybe he'd want to hang out again. i don't know.

i am so tired. tired like cows and old wood and silver and wrinkled paper and leaky faucets and scummy plastic and half empty paper water cups. i don't even remember what i was going to say.

when i drove home the farms and fishing towns and brick villages and old blue trucks burned into the back of my skull. i think about the leaves on the road that get run over again and again and again and again and again. 

my dad found an old camera and there was a video of me on it from when i was eight or nine. i ran upstairs when i heard her voice. when i lie in bed i think about her. i want you to sleep next to me in the crook of my legs so i don't have to worry about her. 

who have i let touch this body? i drove down by the water and parked next to the river and looked over and saw the first boy who did. i immediately put the car in reverse and left. i can't believe i almost forgot about him.

my dad and i haven't build our garden yet. if he reminds me i will get nauseous. it is supposed to be in the backyard by the fire hydrant. 

when i drive around my hometown i get so excited to write. when it comes time to write i don't even want anyone to listen. i just want to be cradled. 

i've been watching sex scenes on repeat. i study them. what am i missing? what do i want? i am taking notes. i am stretching my skin in the mirror. i am looking so long at the sun i go blind. i laugh loud at the television. when i watch television on the big screen downstairs i laugh so hard. i laugh so loud that my big empty house shakes.

the last time i felt like this i was sitting in the corner of my bedroom, back when it was still painted pink, and i still couldn't reach the shelves in the kitchen without climbing on the table, which i used to do a lot (and i used to sit in front of the television with my eyes against the screen), and i was staring at the fish in the fish tank next to my bed and my dad came in and asked what i was doing and i asked him if it ever felt like there was music in his head that sped up super fast that he couldn't shut off. 

if you were to hold me i would want you to die for it. 

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