learning

ORIGINALLY POSTED January 12, 2023

every couple days i have to reteach me to myself. it feels like i am two women standing back to back. they're talking over each other and sometimes forget the other is there. this doesn't exactly describe how i'm feeling but it's close enough.

my biggest insecurity is that i think i am dumb. when i feel dumb it is all consuming, i stretch and contort and monster into a person i don't think i am. then she calms down and settles back into something nice. i remember one time talking with one of my boyfriends, and i told him that this monster was coming out. i was breathing slowly and lying on his chest and digging my nails into his sweater. it was like i was holding tight onto the floorboards to prevent myself from floating away. it was like slowing the heart rate before i turned into a werewolf. i said to him it felt like dr. jekyll and mr. hyde. but that wasn't even exactly how i felt, they were both me. it was close enough.

after i read a book or watch a movie i let it sit in my body for a while. i was ashamed of this once when someone called me out on it, when i watched 'ladybird' and started going by the name miffy, or when i watched 'fantastic mr. fox' and wanted to talk with more quips and ironed my button downs and pencil skirts and wore my little kitten heels around. last week i finished reading 'fear and loathing in las vegas' and then immediately picked up 'girl, interrupted' and finished it in a few hours. so after a couple days of cigarette smoking i lied in bed for a full day and didn't eat. i finally ate a slice of toast and then had enough energy to start typing up this entry. i used to think this habit was dumb, but it feels more like i'm playing pretend. it's also feels like how a child learns how to mime. it feels good. and there's something radically beautiful in retaining that habit.

i've been thinking about dreams and how they all make sense after i wake up. that i'll act on an opinion before i knew that i had it. that there's a version of me working and operating and pulling strings and pressing buttons and i find her in her shadow. some times i'll be running and i look up and see her around the corner. she towers over me, large and beautiful, and continues moving along in giant strides. i keep on her trail. this doesn't exactly describe how i'm feeling, but it's even closer. 

i used to talk to one of my boyfriends all the time about how culture is just playing pretend. it's a longtime game, and you have to buy into it sometimes to have fun. go off the grid, but you'll feel left out. sit in the living room and hear the chatter in the kitchen. bark over whether or not the red piece can jump over the silver piece after the red piece knocked the green, purple, and chrome pieces over. you can check the rule book, but after a while when you've played with your family the same way for thirty years the rule book means jack. when i think about being a girl it feels like i'm laughing in the kitchen. a lot of times i'll step out and see what's going on in the living room. maybe you can come stand with me? i know you don't want to play but we can talk about your day with my friends in the kitchen. i know you don't like him, you don't have to look at him while we're in there. you're right. you're right. are you ok in here? ok, i'll see you later. this doesn't exactly describe how i'm feeling but it's close enough.

when i cross my legs and wear long tights and tiny sweaters over little dresses and tuck my hair behind my ear i feel like my mother's daughter. but when i wear a large sweater and shake my hair with my fingers so it poofs around my head i feel like my father's daughter. when i smile at the people on the street i feel like i'm from a small town. when i keep my eyes forward and headphones on i feel like i'm from the city. when i put my hood up i'm masc. when it's down i'm femme. when i talk to my uncle i'm straight. my cousin can tell i'm bisexual from the nose ring. i tell some people i'm well read and others that i barely do. both are true. all of it is true. everything is close enough.