i drove my dad to work

ORIGINALLY POSTED December 20, 2022

this morning i woke up again at 6:30am.

i drove my dad to work and we argued because i forgot to turn my headlights on. i told him i was tired and then he said that was a poor excuse. he was right and when i dropped him off i thought about how if i got in a car crash i don't have any will or anything. so when i got home i tried to write a will in my diary but it became a long list of names of people i loved and then me thinking about the guy in my sixth grade math class who was nice to me and the girl i was sort of mean to at a party in october because i was having a bad day and my professor who made really funny jokes and how i haven't called my grandpa in a long time and the last time i saw him he gave me a big manilla envelope that had "will" written on it in his scratchy geometric handwriting. i will see my grandpa this weekend if all goes according to plan and then i can hug him and sit on the couch next to him and ask if he's read 'fear and loathing in las vegas' because i don't read a lot of books and that's the last one i've read and he will say "no" and then i'll nod and say "it's pretty good" and then i'll get him a cup of coffee from the kitchen. because i do the same thing every christmas. i think this world would be a lot better if we all took into consideration every could explode at any waking moment and how that's cool and not scary. everyone is thinking that already, but this morning when i went to the grocery store when it was still dark out, it would have been cool if i could go up to the old man smoking outside and ask to bum a cigarette and then ask what his favorite song was and not feel weird about that whole ordeal. i wish that was normal because it would make me feel normal. when i was driving this morning i thought about how we all have the ability to not be normal, and there's been times where i've debated running my car off the road or slamming into an abandoned building just because i can. or sometimes when im walking down the street i think about how i could start screaming and running and rolling around on the ground. there's nothing saying i can't and there's nothing preventing me from going up to the old man smoking outside and asking him to bum a cigarette and then asking what his favorite song was. i guess it's just i would feel weird about all of it. 

and i'm going to sit on all of this for a while, because i have been sitting on it for a while already, and there's nothing else to do except for keep sitting on it. 

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