hotel

ORIGINALLY POSTED January 13, 2023

a couple days ago when i was cooking on the stove i held my hand over the pan for too long that i felt my skin get hot through my sweater. i pulled my arm back into my chest and the warm cloth felt good. i put my sleeve up against my cheek. it felt so nice. now when i cook eggs this morning i'm going to make a point of warming my sleeve so i can hold it against my face.

when i came home this morning the house smelled like my mom's perfume. i smiled when i took my shoes off. outside was blanketed in a thin layer of fresh snow. the world was freshly painted.

last night i took the long way home and i passed the graveyard one of my ex boyfriends and i talked at about a year ago around this time. it was right next to the hotel he was staying at. me and my friend's used to think it was haunted when we were kids. he lived in the south and a few months after breaking up with me he flew over to win me back. i remember talking in my car at the small graveyard and rolling down all the windows so i could calm myself down. i leaned the side of my body out the window to breathe in the air. it was so cold i could feel it inside of me. i rolled my head over my chest to look at him. i slumped back in the car to kiss him on the cheek. he laughed and told me i could actually kiss him. i didn't want to. i drove him back to the hotel. for the next month he told me he loved me everyday. i got ready to fly down to georgia when he admitted he had a new girlfriend already. i probably won't ever see him again. if i did i would probably just laugh and hug him.

every time i pass that graveyard and hotel it makes me think of him. not in a bad way though. last night i came home smelling like sweat and spit and stale bread and it made me feel gross. when i woke up this morning i thought i smelled it faintly. it quickly faded and when i washed my hands i made sure to push soap under my fingernails.

it always snows when i need it to. it always rains when i need it to, too. if it rained this morning i'd probably say 'oh, i needed that reminder' or if it was sunny i'd say 'oh, i needed that reminder' but it snowed so i say 'oh, i needed that reminder'. it snowed on my nineteenth birthday and i took it as a cosmic gesture. if it rained it would have too. same if it was sunny.

over the summer every morning i would wake up and take pictures of the sunlight on my pillows and meditate and say the same mantra to myself about how life was a gift and i was a product of millions of years and how it's so awesome i get to see the sunlight on my pillows and smell my mom's perfume. my boyfriend at the time didn't get it. they said thinking like that made them sad. they also didn't get why i loved seeing the guy who lived the floor above me run laps around campus. they said he got in their way. i always said that if i was depressed for a few more months i'd start running laps around campus. i already run laps around the baseball field when i need it. i do it just because i can.

last night i wondered why i went to the guy's house that smelled like sweat and spit and stale bread and why i stayed there for a couple hours even though i didn't want to. it was because when i drove home i got to take the long way and call my friend on the phone and laugh about how there was vietnam war memorabilia by the bed and a few other secrets. when i drove home it was pouring rain and the graveyard was slick and the hotel didn't have any of their lights on. and this morning the house smelled like my mom's perfume. it all makes me smile. it all needed to.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

all bread is holy

"Nick Cade could shoot his arm full of crack and then no change would have occured-" Or something along those lines- Snapped me out of my ants-y-ness- and in three seconds- I thought of my arm, ripped open, heart bursting and bloated, Nan Goldin, and my mother. Blinking back into the lecture, I thought of my career, and then the thin scabbing on my knuckles. Good morning Good morning Good morning Good morning Good morning Algorithmic Communities.  I don't want to write. I want to have sex.  And as you'd think this blog would simply be "brain dumping"- that my streams of consciousness are ever flowing and all exposed, I cannot bring myself to sum up the achey and sopping mess thats been occupying my brain into any productive poet speak. I have already told you, or someone has told you better, or perhaps you don't deserve to know, or I can't open that up to you yet. I've been obsessive about the ecstasy of my physical form. I mull over fantasies, I...
Read more

dilapidated dilapidated dilapidated

i've fallen out of habit and i am the paying the consequences of doing so. but things happen in these synchronic loops, seasonal sacred geometry, allusions to religious syncretism. i try to remember everything but i end up lying in bed too heavy. little things, like yelling at my dad, birds in the winter time, estranged eye contact and devotion to the stomach send me back on track.  i keep getting distracted. let me tell you about what i really want. i want a 2 story house with an attic and a basement. i want old wood floors and an ornate fireplace. i want a personal library and a home computer. i want an attic where i can make a guest room with a triangle ceiling and a circle glass window and i can sit on an old couch and smoke inside. i want big couches and turkish glass lamps and oriental rugs and throw pillows with tassels. i don't drink red wine but i want a big rack of it for my friends. i want a queen bed with a feather duvet and 2 cats. i want a kitchen i can bake brea...
Read more

POSSIBILITY, PERFORMANCE, AND STAMPED MEANING

i wish that i felt better. i wish that my brother would talk to me more often. i wish that my birthday party goes well. i wish that me and my high school boyfriend could be friends again. i wish that the next time i go to trader joe's they have green onions and red cabbage and i wish that the next time i take the metro north the conductor doesn't check my ticket. i wish i had a narrow frame. i wish for world peace. POSSIBILITY, PERFORMANCE, AND STAMPED MEANING I have sat down and for hours tried to write to you again. I've read this over so many times its lost all meaning to me. I've written to other places, and thought to myself some fantastical thoughts, but I can't seem to talk to you, you, exactly, here and now. It has intimidated me. My 21st birthday is coming up, today is a leap day, and soon it will be spring. Soon, I'll be done with my junior year of college. Soon, all the leaves outside my window will be back. Today I hear the birds call and I woke up h...
Read more