disko bawl

ORIGINALLY POSTED July 26, 2023

on the drive home we held hands with our elbows at pointed angles so our fists stuck up like the heads of crossed boutonniere pins. i was softly drunk, which makes me feel my sexiest. my eyelids are drooped slightly, my big fat eyelashes get to bat around like the hem of a peignoir robe. my lips lazily pouted, jaw a bit slack, glossy from spit. i'm smiling a bit, almost giggling. all the windows are down and my hair gets to whip around like kite ribbons. i finally met your family. i feel like a fat duck brought home for christmas. i'm the prize. i keep repeating that in my head. i'm the prize. i'm hoping tonight we have sex. i'll keep imagining how nice it'll be to have sex with me. fat duck. big prize. softly drunk. i look over at the sea of headlights. it's like i'm swimming in them.

we went to the american dream mall a couple weeks ago. there was something pornogrpahic about it all. the five of us stood at the balcony gawking at the amusement park plastered with childhood iconography that was never really made with us in mind. i got this pleasure out of it though. shiny and gaudy and made for thoughtless devotion into pleasure and commercialism. i'm watching spongebob loop and carousel and it's making my heart sing. what the fuck am i doing?

the first time i went to new york city was with my concert choir sophomore year of high school. i thought i could do anything. i was beautiful with a blond boyfriend and had 4 extracurriculars under my belt. my gpa was above average. my mom let me wear strip eyelashes now. nothing could ever go wrong. our days were long, up at 5am and asleep at 2am. at about 1am on the bus back from an opera the girl i was sitting next to whispered to me "isn't it crazy there's someone behind every single one of those lights?" and i watched the technicolor explosion of headlights apartment windows billboards and broadcast towers that made my eyes glitter and thought they all shone for me.

this summer i've been a real cowboy. i haven't been home in 2 months. i ran away in the middle of the night. i was at the beach listening to acoustic guitar and sharing cigarettes and passing around a lighter in a zig zag circle jerk. i smiled, because i was cool. i was crying in the bathroom a few moments ago because i missed my mom. but right now i'm so cool. my friends got up to go swimming. i didn't bring a bathing suit. i watched my friend strip down to his boxers. so i took my clothes off and ran into the water. cheap black bra clinging to my skin. we all started to scream. it's so cool.

one night you were sitting on the edge of the bed crying, i lied next to you with my hand on your back, the insides of my thighs still sticky. it must have been 1am or so. half asleep, with my hand on your back, i began to dream. it was a thick coral reef, and i was underneath it, and with each sob this blue light pulsed. it pulsed until it matched my heart beat and i fell asleep lying next to you while you sat. 

we have no money, but my seventeen year old brother back home works morning shifts. last weekend i watched a guy do a line. i dream about homelessness. i ruminate on arguments where i was right. when i was thirteen i told my best friend i wanted to get cancer. your friend says his stepdad lies but he loves him. my dad told me it was bad luck to have your feet touching the ground when you drive over train tracks and i still lift my feet up slightly when we cross them. 

the first time i was a cowboy was when i was a junior in high school and sitting on the edge of the bed in my grandpa's hotel room. it was 1am or so. i didn't have my glasses on and i was fighting off sleep. i watched the lights outside muddle themselves into this thick blinking jelly. he asked me to sleep, and i told him i didn't want to. he let me sit for another 10 minutes or so, me unmoved, just blinking into the thick colorful jelly. he asked me again and so i lied down. alone, with no lights, no longer involved with it all, neither by audience or contribution. it washed over me while i slept, like water pushing trout over down faced stone.

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